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New social startup lets you upload your entire life at sign-up

New users are flocking to the startup after it released its new knife and fork tracker.
by on 8th May 2018 | Leave a comment

Everything in the post below is satire. In other words, it's not real.

Eye emerging from behind binary

A new social media startup, We Are Watching You Ltd, has developed a unique business model that takes all of the information a person knows about themselves at the point of sign-up.

“We want people to feel good about telling us everything about their personal lives and that’s why we give them free stuff,” said Carly Davidson, CMO of We Are Watching You.

“It’s not enough to pretend you’re harvesting everyone’s data anymore, nowadays people really want you to have it. So we just take it straightaway”.

The platform just announced record breaking monthly active user totals for April, 2018 and some industry insiders proclaimed it’s the biggest development since #DeleteWeAreWatchingYou trended last week.

“I really wanted to delete it last week, however they just released this really cool game that lets you pretend you’re a pigeon. I’ll probably delete it next week, there’s something about it I don’t like,” said one We Are Watching You user, during his seventh straight hour on the application.

The platform is unlike anything developed to date.

“It’s really funny. I looked up my boyfriend on the platform last night and our mandatory knife and fork tracker had already sent data on his eating patterns into the platform. He was really surprised I knew about his eating habits (laughs). We had a laugh about it,” said Davidson.

We Are Watching You has come under intense criticism from privacy advocates, however Carly is unfazed.

“These privacy agitators don’t understand. It’s really important we have trackers everywhere. People want personalized experiences and to interact with the world around them. The best way to do that is by sitting behind a screen – it isn’t scalable in real life,” she said.

On whether the goal of the internet is to maximize freedom or entrench dependence, Carly was clear.

“People don’t want freedom, they want convenience. Freedom is pointless, it’s far easier to let technology make your decisions and connections for you – and that’s what we do best,” she said.

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